One Year

A year ago today my life changed. Drastically. Dramatically. A year ago today my heart jumped in to my throat and stayed there for the entire day. A year ago today I felt a joy inside of myself that I never thought I could feel. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I had no idea what to think or do. I wasn’t late, I just had a feeling. A different feeling that I couldn’t explain. I thought I was being paranoid. I had a pregnancy test in my bathroom drawer and figured I would take it before work in the morning and it would be negative and I could go on with my day. I took the test and left the bathroom to go make coffee and breakfast. When I came back in to the bathroom and saw the little blue ‘+’ on the test, I honestly almost fainted. My knees went weak and I had to sit down. Hands shaking, I texted my friend Lauren to come up to my apartment. Luckily, she lived in my apartment building and was up there in minutes. We both sat there, staring at the test. I think I was in a state of shock. I kept stammering and shaking asking “what-what do I do?! what–… ah! what?! I can’t be— I’m pregnant?!” Realizing it was almost time for me to go to work, I looked at my friend and asked her what I should do. She told me to not panic (yeah right…) and go to work and then go buy another test and take it in a few days. She asked when my period was suppose to start, I told her next week. She told me to wait until I was actually late and she told me to not tell my fiancé.

So I went to work. My heart was pounding the entire day. I was fidgety and distracted. My mind was racing and I was pushing everything out until one of my older co-workers finally asked me “are you ok?” and everything came spilling out. I was afraid to move at work. I didn’t want to lift boxes, I didn’t want to climb ladders, I was afraid to breathe. My co-worker told me the exact same thing my friend had told me that morning. Take another test, wait a few days, wait until next week and don’t tell my fiancé. Don’t tell him until I was certain.

I spent the entire day avoiding my phone, avoiding talking to him. It was torture. I was spiraling downward in to panic and everyone was telling me not to talk to my best friend. The person who I talked to when I freak out. But I kept thinking “What is he going to think? Is he going to run? Oh God, what is his family going to think of me? What is MY family going to think of me?! What kind of mom am I going to be? I’m not ready to be a mom! I’m not married! Oh God… Oh God, help me. Help me! What do I do?” 8 long grueling hours later, it was time for me to go home. I immediately drove to target and bought 8 more pregnancy tests and ran home to take… well, all of them. In that day, I took 10 tests. And they were all positive. I had them lined up on my bathroom sink. I felt numb. I took my dog out for a walk to clear my head. But the one thing that kept repeating itself in my head was “Call him. Call Benjamin.” So I did. I told him he needed to come over that night. I needed him to come over. He wasn’t too thrilled sounding, he admitted later that he thought the urgency sound in my voice was because there was a bug I needed him to kill in my apartment. He said he would be there within the hour. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to think of how to tell him. Should I just blurt it out? Sit him down on the couch? I couldn’t think of anything by the time a knock came on my door. I opened it and he stood there, waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t find my voice. Nothing came out. We stood there in silence for about a minute before I said “Go in the bathroom.” At this point, he thought there was a big spider or cockroach in there. He went in the bathroom and started looking around, looking everywhere but the counter. I was able to squeak out “Look on the counter.” and he turned and froze. I froze. My heart was pounding so fast, I think I was having an anxiety attack. I couldn’t stop shaking as I watched him. I didn’t know what he would do, if he would leave, faint, yell, I didn’t know.

He slowly turned to look at me. He looked at my stomach and then back to my face and slowly walked over to me. He, very slowly, placed his hand on my stomach and asked “… I’m going to be a dad?” and a big smile broke over his face. I lost it immediately and started crying. He took me in to the biggest hug and we stood there for a very long time while I let out all my fears in the form of tears.

After that we walked over to the couch and sat down, his hand never leaving my stomach. We sat in silence for a bit before he announced, probably trying to cheer me up from crying, “We’re going to be parents!” and then I think it really hit him that we were going to be parents. I saw his face drop, not in a “Oh god what have I done?” way, but the realization that we made a life. A life that we would be responsible for in 9 months. A life we would need to raise and teach. But after a long pause, he looked at me with a big smile on his face. He kissed me and held me close and whispered “We are going to have such an amazing family.” And in that moment, all of my fear went away. I knew he was in. He was so in and excited. Nothing else mattered, we would figure out the rest together. We didn’t want to tell everyone right away, we wanted to wait to see if we were able to keep the pregnancy. But we also had to figure out HOW to tell everyone. We started with parents first.

I don’t know how the conversation went with him and his folks, but with my mother…. It didn’t go well. I face-timed her and I saw the dread on her face. She was not happy at all and asked what I had done and where she went wrong. For half of my pregnancy, she didn’t even acknowledge it. But my dad, I told him with my brother there. I face-timed them as well. My dad got this big goofy smile on his face and my brother had to leave the room. My dad has wanted grandkids for a very long time, he was instantly smitten with this tiny life. My brother came back, big smile on his face and said “I get to teach it about star wars, godzilla and hockey. Those are mine.” And then Benjamin told all of his siblings. (he has 9 of them) He said reactions varied. I’m not going to go in to detail about it because not all of them were great.

But a year ago today, I found out I was going to be a mom. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl, I was only 4 weeks along. And I had no idea I was going to give birth to this perfect little girl, who fills my every day with such joy. She is almost 4 months old now, just really starting to learn how to laugh and smile. She just discovered her toes and she loves playing with her dads beard.

A year ago today, my life changed for the better.

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